We swing and we chop The poplars we drop We’re breaking our backs for some wood We work with our hands Meet shipments as planned We’re French Canadian, oh yes! We’re better than all of Those fat lazy Yankees That call themselves lumberJacks too We’ll struggle and push And beat back the bush To log all of Aroostook

Chop ‘em down, drag ‘em out float ‘em down the river One last swing then sound the shout Hear timber! And we’re running These perfumed French are not real men They’re girly girls you see We’ll see their tulip, raise them pine and Promptly take the trees Am. Lmbrjk 1: I must ask, why do we hate the Canadians so much? They are annoying, but imagine if we would eat French food every day! It’s so much better than this slop we get, surely that its worth befriending them. Am Lmbrjks: your foolish question betrays the fact You think we’re dogs The only thing we do with French is Beat them at their game And once we beat these dumberjacks Halifax...will be Maine <<approval>> Eaton: Ho! Lumberjacks! Am. Lmbrjks: <<Mr. Eaton!>> <<Hello Mr. Eaton>> <<It’s Mr. Eaton>> <<etc.>> Eaton: Be on the lookout for Canadians; these woods are crawling with them. Am. Lmbrjks: <<yes sir Mr. Eaton>> <<can do Mr. Eaton>> <<etc.>> Eaton:Come along, Miriam. Miriam: Yes father.

Pasqual: The most beautiful girl I’ve ever saw Perfect lumberjack daughter, Miriam I just can’t look away... And suddenly she turns And life will never be the same How wonderful her hair How green are her eyes My life is paused in time This is the most wonderful Day of my life Should I talk to her Should I stay, should I just turn away? So many questions to say... Sadly, I have to go away But I’ll never stop saying, Miriam!

Announcer: Tonight, on Action Seven News News Person 1: Continuing coverage on the 1837 economic crisis that looks like it might turn into a full blown panic... News Person 2: The update on Pontiac’s recall of their latest carriage, and the defective feed bag scandal that has rocked the horse drawn industry. News Person 3: The latest sports scores dueling results, as well as what the Farmer’s Almanac guesses for tomorrow’s weather. News Person 1: Bur first, a lumberjack feud in the frozen north has sabers a-rattling between these United States and Canada. We take you live to White House correspondent Isiah Boureguarde, Isiah? Isiah: Guys, it’s been a little over an hour since the president announced that a series of lumberjack incidents have happened in the contested Aroostook region, saying only... <<press conference>> Van Buren: Guys, everything is fine. I’ll get Daniel Webster on this; he’ll straighten everything out. <<relief>> Isiah: With that, the president has returned to the White House library. All we can do now is hope and pray that no star crossed lovers complicate this tense situation. Back to you Charles...

Pres. Van Buren: Danny! Danny! Scramble, hurry fast! I must have a word with you, this conflict cannot last! Choir: Hurry Daniel! Hurry Daniel! Van Buren needs you fast Librarian: Shhhhhhh!!! Pres. Van Buren: These hairy mindless lumberjacks are going to give me trouble! <<quieter now>> They are going for each other’s trees and giving them a rumble! Choir: Lumberjacks! Lumberjacks! Please go get them off my backs! Librarian: Shhhhhhh!!! Daniel Webster: What am I, a man of words, supposed to do with that? <<quieter now>> I have no chance against these bears, I’m afraid of my own cat! Choir: Scared of cats! Scared of cats! Will be no help up at the pass! 1st Choir Mem.: That’s probably why he made the dictionary 2nd Choir Mem.: He was too scared to go outside so he just wrote down words! Webster: That wasn’t me!! Librarian: Shhhhhhh!!! Pres. Van Buren: I need you Danny...to make a treaty <<quieter now>> To define a border, and don’t be greedy Hurry fast! Meet the Canucks! Then you may return to writing your books. The North is my...Maine...problem first! Webster: THAT IS NOT ME!! I will go and make a treaty! I will not fail! My country needs me! Choir: To victory! To victory! Danny will save the North today! Librarian: Shhhhhhhh!!!

Cn. Lmbrjk 1: Great job being lumberjacks today boys! <<approval>> Hey, anyone seen Pasqual? It’s time for dinner. Cn. Lmbrjk 2: Ah, I thought he was with you. Cn. Lmbrjk 3: He’s going to miss out on all the pork and beans! <<comradery>> <<they leave>>

Miriam: My love for you grows every day Our love inspires the world to grow Every day our love grows stronger Until our love is forbidden no longer Pasqual: Sitting in the back of your daddy’s wagon Travelling to come meet me in secret Our love hidden from the judgment of your father Every day our love grows stronger Together: Without the approval of others Our love has become forbidden Every day our love grows stronger Looking at you now I realize there is nothing That could keep us apart Miriam: We...we have to tell my father Pasqual: um...

<crowd noises, a carriage approaches>> <<a man opens the door to Daniel Webster’s carriage. Webster nobly exits and puts on his hat>> Man: Welcome to Maine, Mr. Webster, it’s an honor to have you sir. Webster: Well thank you young man, but it is with my friends I must confer There is no time to waste! I must be on my way! Man: Oh, yes of course, but before you go, there is something I must say. Webster: Alright my boy, spit it out, we must not delay. Man: What does the word “pulchritudinous” mean? Webster: ...why would you ask me a question like that? Man: Well, you wrote the dictionary didn’t you? That’s gotta count for something. Webster: <<sigh>> ...No, I didn’t write the dictionary. Man: Webster’s Dictionary? Everyone in town has one! Webster: There’s more than one person in the world with the same last name as I do! Man: Well that’s just pulchritudinous of you! Webster: That’s beautiful of me? Because that’s what it means, beautiful. I’ll just take that as a compliment And be on my way. Jeeez. Let me through... Man: See?! It IS Noah Webster! Hurray! Crowd: <<approval>> Webster: No sir, I’m not, and even if I was, ain’t ain’t in my book. Chorus: It’s Noah Webster, make way! He wrote the dictionary Webster: <<to self>> so they say Chorus: He’s a very wise man America’s master of vocabulary Webster: Well, Senator, actually Chorus: Webster’s come to settle this With words not fists Webster: What do they think I’ll do? Throw the dictionary at those villains? Old Coot: He’ll throw his giant book at their heads and kill ‘em! <<record scratch>> Webster: We’re not doing that. Please leave. <<Old Coot, dejected, slinks away>> Webster: Everywhere I go it’s the same old thing Everyone confuses me with a contemporary fling Everyone has the literature That never had me in the picture I’ve never even met this guy Whom over the years I’ve come to despise Chorus: Noah has bright blue eyes and kept his hair While Daniel looks in need of some fresh air With quite the mean expression From his spiraling depression Daniel wishes he didn’t care Webster: I’m the best senator Massachusetts ever had Yet even when I’m there It’s really pretty bad My family can’t remember If I’m Danny or Noah Which makes me Krakatoa Even more if it’s my mother Asking me to sign a book I didn’t even write Gives me something to make me Stay up late all night His vocabulary- genius! Makes me question half my genus For wondering how much time I took in the library Chorus: The battle of the Websters Is even bigger than the beans Even without a bear Daniel wishes it was a dream With quite the mean expression From his spiraling depression Daniel wishes he didn’t care Circumlocution! Webster: long windedness Chorus: Skirmish! Webster: Minor battle Chorus: Apocryphal Webster: doubtful origin It wouldn’t be so bad If I didn’t know the words And was somewhat of a grammar Nazi Like a total nerd Maybe being wrongfully admired Isn’t much of a coup And maybe Noah’s being mistaken For a senator too I think it’s about time I soak up my dues Chorus: His spiraling depression Turned into new obsession Being happy and adored Continued with ceaseless secession With quite a nice smile Every once in a while Daniel Webster began the mile Toward the logging camp...

Miriam: I hope he sees the you I see <<to Pasqual>> The one who makes my heart beat The one that will never flee The one who is meant for me I hope he looks past your name And your status doesn’t fill him with shame Discovering the true you The one who is meant for me Showing the fates there mistake In making you the one he hates Feels like I’m finally living Forgetting who I was Eaton: Miriam! <<to Eaton>> Oh father... He’s the one I love The one innocent as a dove Wishing you’d accept I lay here dreaming Wondering what to believe He’s the one I want The love of my life The one who is meant for me The love of my life Eaton: I forbid it! Miriam: But, Father... Eaton: No!!

Ashburton: Ah, Mister Webster! A pleasure to meet you. Lord Ashburton, at your service sir. Webster: The pleasure is mine, and thank you for meeting on such short notice. And before we get underway Let me take the time to say... Any treaty you negotiate I can negotiate better Ashburton: I can negotiate any treaty Better than you Webster: No you can’t Ashburton: Yes I can Webster: No you can’t Ashburton: Yes I can Yes I can! Webster: Any politics you can do I can do better Ashburton: I can do any business better than you Webster: No you can’t Ashburton: Yes I can Webster: No you can’t Ashburton: Yes I can Yes I can! Webster: I say Maine gets more land! Ashburton: I say New Brunswick gets more land! Webster: I say no! Ashburton: I say Yes! Webster: No! Ashburton: Yes! Webster: Any speech you can give I can give better Ashburton: I can write any dictionary Better than you <<music stops>> Webster: I’m not that Webster! Ashburton: Really? Webster: Yes, why does everybody...nevermind. Where were we? <<music resumes>> Webster: Any compromise you can make, I can make better Ashburton: I can make any compromise Better than you Webster: No you can’t Ashburton: Yes I can Webster: No! Ashburton: Yes! Webster: Prove it! Ashburton: I will!

Miriam: I have a bad feeling About letting you leave Something awful will happen Don’t go away, please It breaks my heart Every time you go away Baby, please don’t go A-lumberjackin’ today Baby, take off your jacket There’s no need for you to wear it For if something ever happened to you You know I couldn’t bear it You cut down the trees And make all the money But listen to me now And stay inside, honey You know it breaks my heart Every time you go away So baby please don’t go A-lumberjackin’ today Pasqual Look, I’m just going to go and cut down trees for a couple of hours with the guys... Miriam Remember last week when you said that? You ended up in Nova Scotia! Pasqual Miriam... Miriam Look, dinner’s almost ready, we’ve got a good thing going here. Pasqual What about my lumberjack friends? What about your father? Oh, don’t you see Miriam? My love, sprung of my only hate! Miriam Too early seen unknown! And known too late! Pasqual I’m a lumberjack Miriam, I have to go a-lumberjacking...if you love me...you’ll understand. Miriam Pasqual!!

Cn. Lumberjacks: Another day at work we sing our lumberjack songs and chop down tree to tree all day chop, chop, chop, chop choppin down our trees Eaton: What are they doing? they’re stealing resources from our land! Hey, you what do you think you’re doing?! Cn. Lumberjacks: Us? We’re chopping down trees we’re lumberjacks, you know. Oh wait... you probably don’t know! (laughter) Eaton: We do... You’re dumb rude uneducated lumberjacks. You come on OUR land nosily singing dumb tunes and take OUR trees... Cn. Lumberjacks: this isn’t your land go back to where you Came from now Eaton: I defeated the Barbary Pirates and won this land you fools! This will never be your hillbilly workers’ land Pasqual: No OUR beautiful pines are on OUR land, we’ll continue to work as we please. C’mon guys, do you wanna chop some trees down? Come on let’s go and work We won’t acknowledge them anymore Get out your tools we’ll sing and work all day Eaton: Don’t worry, we’ll get our land back And show those dumb hillbilly lumberjacks! <<crowd noises>> <<ding ding ding>> Announcer 1: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the World Lumberjack Wrestling Federation’s Lumberjack Smackdown! Announcer 2: These Canadians have been all up in the American’s grill, so its time to see if those Yanks do more than just saw logs and talk tough! Whoo! Announcer 1: The Canadians mean business. They brought their axes! They brought their saws! They brought some baguettes and a mime! Announcer 2: The Americans are puffing up their chests, and it looks like at least one of them is ripping off his shirt convincingly. He’s wielding a folding chair and a box of thumbtacks... Announcer 1: The Canadians are responding- several have picked up hockey sticks and...yes, the mime looks like he is no longer trapped in a box, and the invisible rope he tied to the Americans is pulling him in their direction! They are looking a bit confused and uncomfortable in a way only a mime can create! Announcer 2: This might get ugly for the Americans...but wait! What’s this? It’s, yes! It’s a cute little bear cub that’s come bounding out of the woods! Announcer 1: That is simply adorable, and the Canadians are clearly unnerved by this awesome display of cuteness!

Bear Cub: Hey new friend, let’s play! Let’s be in the sun, and run all day We can play, “The Floor is Lava,” You go first, I’ll be the lava! Or we could play “King of the Mountain” I may not be king of the jungle But I rule this here forest Whether we play “Ring Around the Rosie” Or we play “London Bridge” You’re going down, and I will win! Pasqual: How about we play “Fetch?” Bear Cub: Fetch? I’m not a dog! Red rover, red rover Bring the supper right over! We could play “Ghost in the Graveyard” You’d be the ghost, ‘cuz your life is over Better yet, let’s play...tag Mo-om...you’re IT

Mama Bear Flash of my teeth at the nearest man Stay away from my cub, I’m not your biggest fan And now I have you by the throat Honey I ain’t just a pretty coat Mama bear roars full of rage Pasqual: This is soooo not worth my wage! Mama Bear: Mama she bear makes you howl And my bite’s just as bad as my growl Death to you all Death to you all Mama bear bellows again and again Strike fear in the hearts of these men And now I have you by the throat Honey I ain’t just a pretty coat Mama she bear makes you howl And my bite’s just as bad as my growl Death to you all Death to you all

<<gunshots, chaos>> Am. Lmbrjk 1: uh...sounds like those Canadians have gone and lost their minds... Eaton : Quick! You hold them here and I’ll go back and get the state militia! Am. Lmbrjk 1: OK, sounds gr...wait a minute... Am, Lmbrjk 3: Why don’t we all go get the state militia? Am. Lmbrjk 2: Why don’t we ALL go get the state militia? <<they flee>> Cn. Lmbrjk 1: The bear is dead! Cn. Lmbrjk 3: Pasqual is hurt...bad! Cn. Lmbrjk 1: Pasqual, mon ami, can you hear me?

Pasqual While chopping down some trees one day I saw a baby bear I wanted it to go away But it didn’t seem to care I pulled my gun to fire a shot And scare the bear away I remembered then what I’d forgot Much to my dismay Chorus When you see a baby bear You are never in the clear You have to keep in mind That Mama Bear is always near Pasqual She appeared out of nowhere And attacked me with fierce claws I knew I was a goner When my neck was in her jaws ...tell Miriam, gasp, I love her...

<<he passes out>> Cn. Lmbrjk 1: Let’s get Pasqual out of here. Cn. Lmbrjk 2: We could take him up there by the Dave and Buster’s Cn. Lmbrjk 3: Oh yeah, that’s good- I got hockey at six and that’s right by there. Cn. Lmbrjk 1: He needs a doctor! We’ll take him to that place where Lord Ashburton is meeting that dictionary guy,there’s bound to be a surgeon with such dignitaries! And somebody go tell Miriam!

The Militia: A warning to the British The good and the evil This is war To the captain, the infantry The Canadian, the lumberjacks This is war To the North, from the South We will fight for our land To the edge of the states It’s a whole new fight From Texas to Maine To the North, from the South We will fight for our land To the edge of the states It’s a whole new fight It’s a whole new fight A warning to the private The crier, the preacher This is war To the leader, to the senator The British, the French This is war To the North, from the South We will fight for our land To the edge of the states It’s a whole new fight From Texas to Maine To the North, from the South We will fight for our land To the edge of the states It’s a whole new fight It’s a whole new fight It’s a whole new fight A whole new fight ‘til the war is won ‘til the war is won A whole new fight

Chorus When they shake Yes! When they shake Oh when they shake hands on the deal The border will It will be settled Yes when they shake hands on the deal Ashburton: Now see hear chap, we are reasonable men So hear what I put forth That a border on the St. John River Is clearly too far north In our last war we bequeathed land And we grant you what you took But a permanent border should be confirmed Along the Aroostook Webster: The Aroostook? Are you for real? Did that just come out of your mouth? That cuts too deep into our homeland And is clearly too far south Now what I propose, and I hope you agree Is to split-the-difference We’ll take half and give you half Of the Aroostook Wilderness Chorus: When they shake Yes! When they shake Oh when they shake hands on the deal The border will It will be settled Yes when they shake hands on the deal Ashburton: Ah! Webster old boy! This certainly lightens the load And gives us the land we need To build our Halifax road Webster: Excellent! Truly pulchritudinous! I knew you’d take the hint Now Ashburton, sign here good man And ignore all that fine print! Chorus: When they shake Yes! When they shake Oh when they shake hands on the deal The border will It will be settled Yes when they shake hands on the deal Ashburton: Put her there, old man! Webster: It’s a deal! <<cheers>> <<No war!!>> <<Hooray!!>> Miriam: Where is Pasqual? Pasqual?! Where is he? Cn. Lmbrjk 1: In here, Mademoiselle Eaton...

Pasqual: You actually came Miriam: Of course, why wouldn’t I? Pasqual: Maybe you shouldn’t have come Miriam: No, why would you say that? I’m choosing to be with you. Forget what my father said. Pasqual: I cannot let you stay. Miriam: I cannot bear to... Pasqual: <<winces>> ...oooh Miriam: Heh, Sorry...I am here I choose you over my father’s wealth Give me hope That we can live a normal life From now on You are all that I want And all that I need is you You’re my heart You’re my soul I need you No, please don’t walk away I love you! <<Eaton enters>> Eaton: Miriam stop! I bear good news! <<Pasqual winces>> ...oooh Eaton: Heh, sorry... I’ve realized the error of my ways. I give you my blessing. Miriam: Do you mean it? Eaton Yes! Miriam: Oh thank you Papa! Pasqual: What made you change your mind, sir? Eaton: I realized the feud was pointless… Oh, and my daughter’s happiness, er, I wanted her to be happy... Pasqual: Please look into my heart and Answer this one question Will you make me happy And marry me? Miriam: Yes I will! Miriam And Pasqual: Two worlds have combined now Two souls are united One dream has begun One thing for all time true I love you

Chorus: Back together Cn. Lmbrjks: Chopping wood and screaming, “Timber!” Chorus: Sawing lumber Am. Lmbrjks: With the cross cut saws working asunder Choru:s Chop! Chop! Crash! Crash! Crash! That’s the sound we love Lumberjacking Chorus: We’re one of a kind Cn Lmbrjk 1: wearing flannel shirts to protect our lovely thighs Chorus: Conflict solving Pasqual: And no more mama bear maulings Chorus: Snort! Snort! Sniff sniff sniff! Am. Lmbrjk 1: That’s the smell of pork and beans! Chorus: Yummy! <<all run to partake in pork and beans>> Chorus: No more hunger! Am Lmbrjk : time to chop wood in overtime Cn Lmbrjk 2: each tree is assigned Am Lmbrjk 3: a wonderful girl name, so divine Cn Lmbrjk 1: Mary Anne! Am Lmbrjk 1: Sally! Cn Lmbrjk 2: Betty Sue! Chorus: Oh what hot babes! Pair Let’s saw them! <<sawing>> Ashburton: I’m sorry, did he just say they give the trees women’s names before they hack them down? Webster: Maybe the next time before we intervene in an intercene lumberjack conflict, we should take a more longitudinal approach... Kid: Longitudinal? Gee mister, are you Noah Webster? Webster: Wha...No! Daniel! I’m Daniel Webster! <<sawing finishes>> <<trees fall>> Chorus: Sharpened axes Pair together we can increase production Chorus no more troubles We got each other’s backs Cn Lmbrjk 1: Timber! Look out! Am Lmbrjk 1: That man just saved my life! Chorus Thank goodness! All together we work Am Lmbrjk 2: chopping wood Cn Lmbrjk 2: Screaming “Timber!” Am Lmbrjk 3: Where are my suspenders? Chorus: All together, yelling “Timber!” All Together, sawing Mary All together, conflicts solved All together, we’re together Lumberjacking together Always lumberjacking Saw! Chop! Flex! Yell! Sniff! Crash! Pasqual: Timber! <<exeunt>>