I Wish I Didn't Care

from by dblfstudios

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lyrics

<crowd noises, a carriage approaches>>
<<a man opens the door to Daniel Webster’s carriage. Webster nobly exits and puts on his hat>>
Man:
Welcome to Maine, Mr. Webster, it’s an honor to have you sir.
Webster:
Well thank you young man, but it is with my friends I must confer There is no time to waste! I must be on my way!
Man:
Oh, yes of course, but before you go, there is something I must say. Webster:
Alright my boy, spit it out, we must not delay.
Man:
What does the word “pulchritudinous” mean?
Webster:
...why would you ask me a question like that?
Man:
Well, you wrote the dictionary didn’t you?
That’s gotta count for something.
Webster:
<<sigh>> ...No, I didn’t write the dictionary.
Man:
Webster’s Dictionary?
Everyone in town has one!
Webster:
There’s more than one person in the world with the same last name as I do! Man:
Well that’s just pulchritudinous of you!
Webster:
That’s beautiful of me?
Because that’s what it means, beautiful.
I’ll just take that as a compliment
And be on my way.
Jeeez. Let me through...
Man:
See?! It IS Noah Webster!
Hurray! Crowd: <<approval>>
Webster:
No sir, I’m not, and even if I was, ain’t ain’t in my book.
Chorus:
It’s Noah Webster, make way!
He wrote the dictionary
Webster:
<<to self>> so they say
Chorus:
He’s a very wise man
America’s master of vocabulary
Webster:
Well, Senator, actually
Chorus:
Webster’s come to settle this
With words not fists
Webster:
What do they think I’ll do?
Throw the dictionary at those villains?
Old Coot:
He’ll throw his giant book at their heads and kill ‘em!
<<record scratch>>
Webster:
We’re not doing that.
Please leave.
<<Old Coot, dejected, slinks away>>
Webster:
Everywhere I go it’s the same old thing
Everyone confuses me
with a contemporary fling
Everyone has the literature
That never had me in the picture
I’ve never even met this guy
Whom over the years
I’ve come to despise
Chorus:
Noah has bright blue eyes and kept his hair
While Daniel looks in need of some fresh air
With quite the mean expression
From his spiraling depression
Daniel wishes he didn’t care
Webster:
I’m the best senator Massachusetts ever had
Yet even when I’m there
It’s really pretty bad
My family can’t remember
If I’m Danny or Noah
Which makes me Krakatoa
Even more if it’s my mother
Asking me to sign a book
I didn’t even write
Gives me something to make me
Stay up late all night
His vocabulary- genius!
Makes me question half my genus
For wondering how much time
I took in the library
Chorus:
The battle of the Websters
Is even bigger than the beans
Even without a bear
Daniel wishes it was a dream
With quite the mean expression
From his spiraling depression
Daniel wishes he didn’t care
Circumlocution!
Webster:
long windedness
Chorus:
Skirmish!
Webster:
Minor battle
Chorus:
Apocryphal
Webster:
doubtful origin
It wouldn’t be so bad
If I didn’t know the words
And was somewhat of a grammar Nazi
Like a total nerd
Maybe being wrongfully admired
Isn’t much of a coup
And maybe Noah’s being mistaken
For a senator too
I think it’s about time
I soak up my dues Chorus:
His spiraling depression
Turned into new obsession
Being happy and adored
Continued with ceaseless secession
With quite a nice smile
Every once in a while
Daniel Webster began the mile
Toward the logging camp...

credits

from The Aroostook War: A Musical, released July 6, 2015

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